Canada Geese Goosecon Levels: An Owl Tutorial
As everyone knows, the Owl is a self-proclaimed expert on many things unique to Weston: The Intersection of Doom for one, and the Weston Beach and Bistro, along with musings on things like JoSTice and some of our historic past. Some of these things are actually grounded in reality. In addition, the Owl is a self-proclaimed expert on Weston’s wildlife including the traffic engineer Turkey and the Desirable Southside Bobcat.
Now, it is time to examine one of the Owl’s nemeses, the Weston Canada Goose. Or, as I prefer to call it, the Canadian goose. The Owl was recently admonished that it is a Canada Goose not a Canadian goose but I doth protest. According to this seemingly real site called Grammarphobia, either one can be used as a “translation” of the Latin scientific name for the chonky honker: Branta canadensis. No, there is no goose discoverer named John Canada. Sigh. Does anyone check the passport of the “American robin?” I think not. Anyway, shall we move on?
Many of you with kids in grass field sports will be familiar with Canada geese (I am sorry but it just sounds better as a Canadian goose. Sigh). A favorite place for these chubby chonks to place their greenish black turds is on ALL soccer and lacrosse fields, ensuring some pretty gross laundry situations, never mind the cleats. They loooooove the High School pond and adjacent fields.
One of my favorite all-time proposals when I was on the Recreation Master Plan Committee was for a gang of border collies to come out and chase the poopers away from the fields several times a week. Sadly, this kind of fun never ever passes Fin Comm’s steady humorless gaze and therefore we have no paid collie gang. I do know of a hat trick of Australian sheepdogs owned by a Weston resident near Nolte Forest. Maybe they can be hired for treats. Maybe the optics are not good on one Commonweath country’s beasties chasing another? Hmm. Oh yeah, these geese are not from Canada. And yet…
Now, sometimes the geese gang is quite innocuous and just wants to sail about the scummy pond and honk bad words at each other. Sometimes, they just wander about. But sometimes, they level up, and it is important to recognize, as one resident put it, Goosecon Levels. And so, without further ado or complaining about etymology, are the Goosecon Levels explained.
Goosecon Level 1: You can see there are geese flying up above in a V, or part of a V, more like a checkmark, or you can see them way far away on your neighbor’s lake. Zero engagement. Zero risk except from a wayward flying poop.
Goosecon Level 2: The geese are in your yard, and are not concerned about you and your hissing noises, or your attack rescue dog who is actually sleeping belly up in the sun. Risk is low. Need sheepdog.
Goosecon Level 3: Geese are in your way. In order to get through the Goose gang, you make weird noises or clap or run after them. They waddle away looking over their shoulders like “I could totally take you if I hadn’t just eaten four tons of pond scum.” Mild risk of them figuring out that there are 40000000000 of them and one of you. Cue Hitchcock.
Goosecon Level 4: Geese are in your way. When you attempt to pass by them, they do not move. Or they advance on you with that side-eye of “just try me, big guy.” At this level, the Owl suggest a non-engagement strategy–just take another trail. Having just gone through Goosecon 4 at College Pond, I am unlikely to engage with that crabb-o.
Goosecon Level 5: Bad things happen. Just ask the Brits. Somehow it just all comes back to Commonwealth nations. Just sayin’.
And this concludes your Canadian (come get me, I’m sticking to it) goose tutorial.
Almost every word of this column is just flat out funny. Well done Owl! Puts a smile on your face on a hot summer day.
Thank you!!! It was fun to write!
I’m with you on Westonian over Westonite, but I’m a Canada goose gal all the way. Canadians themselves would never be so cantankerous, eh?
Hmmmmm…. I know at least one very cantankerous Weston Canadian. And she is not a goose.
What’s wrong with ‘Westoner’?!
It’s just wrong.
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